I've had a horrible past few weeks.....
It seems like everyone I know doesn't like me and doesn't want me around...I've been really lonely...I just...it's so hard to explain...I've felt like a big failure at everything I do lately, and I don't know.
I don't really have any motivation to do school, because I seem to have lost focus on what I'm supposed to do beyond that...I guess...maybes it's because I can't see a point to completely school?
All I'm told is that life is going to get harder and harder...While that may be true...It doesn't make me want to complete my work any quicker...it just makes me want to delay it so that it doesn't get even more stressful....
I'm such a horrible person to everyone I know, and it doesn't surprise me that no one ever wants to be around me...Because I can seem to do anything right, no matter what it is.
Nothing I do ever comes out right....
I had a great weekend at a church retreat that really seemed to help me forget everything that I was stressing about, but It didn't, because as soon as I got back I was thrown into all of it....School....stress...so much of it.
I can't even say these past few weeks have been bad...Because apparently, it's only going to get worse....
It's just so hard to explain...This semester is really...just...different for me...At the beginning of the year, I was really focused, and determined to finish everything and I seemed to have more of a goal in mind....But now....I'm only living one week at a time so that I can finish this assignment, not so that Ican finish this class. I don't know, I guess when I got really into school and everything, I realized that it wasn't going to be like I thought, and I just...lost my purpose....
I know I'm supposed to trust God in all this, but why is that so difficult for me? Why is it so hard for me to put into practice what I know? I know a lot of things, but it just...Is so usless right now, I fail at putting what I know into action....I don't know why...It's senior year...and a lot of things have been confusing and making me stressed.......
Graduation....I don't even wanna think about it...It makes me too...stressed.....
This doesn't make any sense...I was trying to go to sleep...and thought I'd try to say this...I'm just...not...having...a...good...day....:(
(We must be synchronized. This seems to keep happening. XD)
ReplyDeleteI have been feeling exactly like that for a couple of months now. I hit a really low point in October. Then I prayed, and I got a temporary job, and I started to feel less useless and more motivated and ready to do things. Then the job ended. After a couple of days, I felt more stressed and unmotivated than ever. I felt like I had to catch up on school and get another job and and get my driver's license and get a social life and start preparing for college. And I freaked out from the stress, for weeks, and didn't get anything done.
I'm better now, and here's why.
Before, I was focused on myself. I was stressing out about all the things that /I/ had to do. Sometimes, I would remember that God was supposed to be in control, and I'd say "God, come on, help me!" But I still wanted to be the one in charge.
I was also in denial. I'm an extreme introvert, and that makes living in a house with five siblings... difficult. I wanted to move out, as quickly as possible, get my own place, and "live my own life." I couldn't legally do that for another ten months, so I focused on planning instead. The fact is, though, I'm not actually ready to be on my own yet, and I probably won't be in nine months. So what I was actually doing, instead of preparing for the future like I thought, was piling myself with a huge load of unnecessary stress.
I was also worrying. I haven't been consistently motivated for about the last year, so I'm behind in basically everything. My subconscious took that and connected it to my "future planning": I thought I would have to somehow catch up on everything before my imaginary move-out deadline, and I knew I couldn't. So then I started subconsciously ballooning that into a series of worries that ended in one big fearful realization: I would never be worth anything. I would never be able to do the big things I dreamed of doing. I would never be able to start any project, much less finish one. Nobody besides my family would ever care about me, and I've been neglecting that relationship anyway. I was nothing, and I could never be anything or do anything worthwhile.
And then I just stopped caring about that. I went to sleep one night, and the next morning I wasn't worried. And I started to get things done, just a little more than before.
I've been realizing recently that God is here. It's taken me a ridiculously long time; I memorized a verse when I was 12 that literally said "YHWH your God is with you". I started imagining God's presence in the room with me, and talking to Him, and just sitting next to Him when I was too distracted for anything else. know that sounds weird, but it works.
We christians tend to think of God as this Cosmic Being Who looks down on us and condescendingly spares us His attention sometimes if we're good. But in my experience, He isn't like that at all. He's bigger than that. He's a joyful, creative being of infinite love and caring. He's too awesome to look at. He's delightfully nerdy about His creations and has a great sense of humor. He's faithful and always takes us seriously when we need it. He made us on purpose, for His own designs, and is infinitely patient with all of our mistakes and shortcomings. And He's with us wherever we go. (Joshua 1:9) It's this God, not the Big Cosmic Indifference, who's in your room right now, looking over your shoulder, waiting for you to see Him.
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You and I both know we're weak. We're frustrated with ourselves, scared of this big world we live in, and we feel like we're going nowhere. (At least I assume that's how you're feeling.) But this awesome God wants to walk with us. Eh, "walk" is overused and an understatement. God wants to be our guide, to collaborate with us on our lives. He wants to sit next to us in our cars and ride in our backpacks, to follow us around pointing out cool stuff and telling jokes, sneaking wisdom into everyday conversations. He comes as close to us as we let Him.
DeleteAnd when we do acknowledge Him and start following Him, when we let Him, He gives us peace of mind, motivation, words, strength, energy, willpower, wisdom, and more. When you're following God, and I can say this from experience, life becomes seriously more awesome.
The one habit I have been able to maintain (more consistently than showering, sometimes) is reading the bible every day (the New Testament in particular). That habit has helped a lot, and I highly recommend it. The bible is hard reading (enough that there's something new to learn every time you read it), but you get used to it after a while. Especially Jesus. Man, was He cryptic. All those parables. Yeah, anyway, bible reading is good for you.
I'm not saying that being more in touch with God makes life /easier/, but He does make it less stressful. Life is definitely hard, but having God by your side lessens the load. You can't do everything by yourself... but with God, you can.
Walk like a baby at first; one step at a time, holding God's hand. You'll fall a lot, but He'll be there to catch you.
What I'm saying is, live in the present. Focus on the next step. Above all, pay more attention to God than yourself. Do you trust God? Don't let yourself worry or over-think. If you really do know God, then you trust Him. God can take you anywhere, through anything; the only one who can hold you back is yourself.
Life is hard, but then, adventures always are.
God bless,
Charissa
Sorry that was so long... I got inspired in the middle. XD
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